We’ve been having some pretty frequent bouts of snow these past couple weeks here in Jersey, and it’s been nothing but ice, ice, baby. (Corny? Okay.) Well, being the goofball that I am, I had the brightest of the bright ideas as I was on my way out the door on a quick errand run the other day.
Next to stripper pumps, I had on the worst shoes that you could possibly wear when walking on ice: ol’ non-grip-slip-and-trip ass Uggs. But that was to my advantage, or so I thought. Since my slumdog shedontcare landlord never put down any salt on the driveway and side walk in front of my house, I decided to be Usher in “U Don’t Have to Call” and slide like he did with those Heelys at the end of the video.
I almost fell and broke my whole hip, Lord Jesus. I almost landed in a full split, Lord Jesus. I’m not even Christian and I felt the father, son and the holy spirit, Lord Jesus. I was so scared I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, Lord Jesus. Jesus wasn’t saving my life so I converted to Islam and called on Prophet Muhammad, Lord Allah. But I straightened right up and walked off like no one saw me, inshallah. Strolled smooth to my truck and cruised right off real cool like, “Bitch, bye bye!”
Ask me if I would I ever try that stunt again.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiit. You must be smoking that la la.
Moral of the day: think twice before you get cute and try to be a smooth R&B singer gliding on ice.