Woman Charged with Domestic Assault Bribes Officer with Butt-Licking to Avoid Jail Time

diane thomas

Just when you thought you’ve heard it all…

A 52-year-old woman believed she could keep her bum out the clinker by offering to lick an officer in the stinker. Welp, she was wrong…too bad she had to find out the sh*tty way.

According to The Smoking Gun, Diane Thomas of Monroe, Louisiana was arrested on May 16th for Solange-ing her boyfriend in the face “multiple times,” then scratching him with her finger nails. When Officer Chris Ballard arrested Thomas and read-off her Miranda rights, Thomas reportedly stated that her live-in beau of 13 years was a “bitch” and he got in her face so she “beat his ass.”

Despite her pseudo self-defense story, Officer Ballard proceeded to throw on the cuffs, so Ms. Man-Beater told him she couldn’t go to jail because she “has a good job.”

When that didn’t work, Thomas got desperate and laid-out her best offer:

“If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now,” she reportedly said. “Officer I will even lick your butthole.”

Now this little booty-gobbler was already facing a misdemeanor domestic abuse charge, but thanks to her sh*tty offer, she got flushed with a felony public bribery count for proposing to suck the life out of Officer Ballard’s behind.

Her pitch may have been declined (as far as we know), but she sure didn’t stay locked for long because Thomas was subsequently released on a $5K bond. (I’m guessing in was her abused boyfriend, because if she’s willing to lick the pooper of a complete stranger, imagine what’s she’s been doing to her bf of 13 years—ill, nevermind, don’t imagine that.)

Just let this be a lesson to us all: if you ever find yourself in legal drama for being an asshole, never offer to lick one in hopes of tongue-tossing your way to freedom.

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